What we use to be
by PyqaFanGirl
Summary: A new chapter of their lives begins. Confusion, hurt, regret, love, all in one. Love me, hate me, condemn me, forgive me, Enjoy this story. Sequel from "I-We missed you" HBxG!John


Chap. 1

Hellboy is doing the most unexpected thing, the last thing that people thought he would do in his entire life. He can kill a herd of charging kelpies while he's drowning and take on Kronos with his bare hands, he will do all that but this! This is not him! Someone or maybe some crazy Italian mother ghost possessed him or something! He's cleaning his room!

"Red, what are you doing?" Liz asks, dumbfounded expression on her face.

"What's it look like to ya?" He asks back, not looking at her since he's wiping the dusts off the stacks of TVs' he has. He threw the dirty rag in a bucket of grey-ish water and rinse the rag and continues to wipe the pesky dusts from the screens.

"Well, it looks like you are … wiping the t.v screen?" She points out.

"Wow, did you just made that sound like a question?" He looks at her with one of his eye ridge raised.

She shrugs and continues, "Well I've never seen you clean before! What do you expect?! I came here to wake your lazy ass up because someone is being difficult with their care-takers and here I stand seeing you cleaning your dump called room. So don't discriminate me for being surprise!" She taps her foot in annoyance and crosses her arms on her chest. "Besides, what's the 'spring cleaning' for?" She air quotes.

Hellboy lets out a slow sigh and looks at his hands before looking back up at her. "She's coming back, Liz. After 5 years, she's coming back." He sounds so detached from the personality that she knew so well. He looks as if the weight of the world is finally lifting up from his shoulders. Said shoulders sagged and his flesh arm limp beside him, his stone arm is no different.

"She's coming back?" Liz whispers out. "Really? Joanna? She's coming back." There was a tiny smile forming on her lips and her eyes looked at Hellboy before the small smile transforms into a frown. "Well why are you looking down for? She's coming back! You should be happy!" She exclaims. Her hands balled into a fist and she places them on her hips. Her eyes looking at him questioningly.

She didn't know. She didn't know what he had done, what he'd done to her. The poor girl didn't see it coming, but she knew that the second Liz steps into the building, then she's nothing but a speck of dust to him. And he realizes all this a little too late. His mind was only clouded with the thought of Liz, he didn't realize how much hurt he put her through. He rubs his face with his flesh hand and takes a deep breath. Sometimes, things like these are considered miracles to him. He knows Joanna pretty well. Once she makes up her mind about one thing, then she'd do it even when people told her otherwise. When she told him that she wanted to leave, he didn't think much on it, he just hugged her goodbye and wished her well. He ignored the sudden pain he felt in his entire being at the time. He only concluded that it was because he was waving goodbye to a dear friend. Boy was he wrong. He just sent an angel out into the cruel, unforgiving world and just leaves her to fend for herself. The guilt ate him little by little. His mind would always wonder to 'how she's doing' to 'she would've loved this' or 'she would kill me if she found out I did this'. He asked Liz to give them a break and she didn't even glare at him. Noticing that he was detached and not himself since Joanna left. All this happened in the course of ten months. It was like everything he did had her in it, and when she left all he became was a walking, heartless, cold killing machine.

But now that she's back, he doesn't know how to act around her anymore. Does he still needs to act normally around her? Well, considering that he was so rude to her when they first met. He never even gave her a second glance whenever she's around or in the same room as him. But after a while, he got to know her little by little and sees how wonderful and ferocious she was. She knew him well and he knew her too, but does she want to act like how they normally were? Or does she wants to restart that spark he ignored. But _does_ she felt that spark? Is what is he doesn't know. He wants to start fresh with her, wants to get to know her more than before and maybe just maybe, they could create something out of that. Or they could at least be close friends. He doesn't care, he wants her to be involved in his life again and vice versa. He just hopes that she would let him.

Just when he opens his mouth to say something, the radio on Liz's belt buzzes out a voice. "Hello Liz, call Red now. She's here. He's gonna be so happy to see her." Abe's voice buzzes out and Liz looks up at Red, seeing his eyes widen and he seems to be holding his breath. His stance rigid and his broad shoulders squared. Liz smiles at his obvious nervousness and walks up to him. She pats him on the arm and gently starts pushing him. "C'mon big boy. Looks like someone wants you to play good host." She pushes him again and he starts to walk slowly. They walked down the hall and she notices that he was walking a bit faster than necessary. "Hey, Red. She's not gonna run away agai-"She was cut off when he takes full speed to get to Joanna. Liz giggles lightly and chases after him.

OOOOooooOOOOooooOOOO

"So, how's it feel to be back, Joanna?" Abe asks. His voice light and friendly and he spots a couple of grey hairs at the side of her head and his smile deflates a little. He gave her a light hug, but she tightens her hold on him and he didn't have the heart to stop her. She smells oddly of baby powder and baby shampoos. When his webbed hand touched her hand, he saw a little boy with hair black as night with light tan skin that looked almost red. Abe pulled himself out of that vision and smiles at her.

"It feels great, Abe. Feels like coming home, oddly enough." She laughs, her voice light and warm. He missed her laugh and he was the first to greet her on her first day back to the bureau. Red should be here in 3, 2, 1…

Heavy footsteps could be heard approaching at breakneck speed and the sound of the screeching into a halt was aggravating in Abe's ears. He turns around to see Red huffing out oxygen as his hands on his knees holds him up. He smiles at Red's ridiculousness and hears Joanna lets out a tiny giggle behind her hand. When Hellboy looks up, he sees her first. He didn't register that Abe is holding her hand. His vision was solely on her. She's still petite, she's shorter than Liz but her hips and breasts seems to have grown. Look at her eyes! Not her boobs, you big buffoon! He quickly turns his gaze to look to her face and see her smiling lightly and her eyes seems to look brighter. He cracks a small smile as she approaches him. Her steps small and she seems to have cave in her shoulders a bit, as if protecting herself from something. From him, he suppose. He lowers his head as she stands in front of him. Ever so slowly, she holds up her hand to shake with his, but he has other ideas. He grabs her, thus lifting her off the floor completely, and gave her a hug of all hugs. His flesh hand around her waist and his stone hand on her bosoms, holding her up to him as he buries his head in the crook of her neck. She gasps lightly and wraps her arms around his neck, relishing in his warm body and the fact that she missed him too. Her hand brushes the raven hair he possess and her other hand cares his cheek. He pushes his face deeper to take in her scent and his body relaxes when he didn't detect any cologne or masculine scents on her person. He was glad, he didn't think that he would take it easily if or when she is currently dating someone. But there is this faint scent of baby powder and milk that sticks to her.

Joanna removes his head from where it resided and stares into his honey golden eyes as she smiles at him. He looks into her soft brown eyes and suppresses the urge to bump his nose to hers. She cares his face and he greedily absorbs the attention she's giving him. Her body pressed close to his made him feel complete and at home. Her cares makes all the pain gone and her eyes makes his soul soar as she stares at him. "Hi." He whispers out. Feeling shy suddenly.

"Hi yourself." She smiles as his deep chuckle sends wave after wave of electricity up her back. His deep resonating voice makes her quiver minutely and she basks into the warmth of his big body. She places her hands on his broad shoulders and sees from the corner of her eye that Liz just came into the room. She pushes herself a bit from Hellboy and he sets her down. She turns to Liz, feeling her heartbeat slowing down and Liz grabs her. Giving her a bear hug as she too lifts her up from the ground, even only inches. She hugs her back but with less enthusiasm like she did for Hellboy. Liz whispers out an 'I miss you' and she does too. She never felt bitter about what she and Hellboy shared. She always knew that she can't be her replacement in Hellboy's life and if ever. Because she and him were _made_ for each other. She's just a phase in Hellboy's life. She doesn't have any supernatural powers like herand she can't let Hellboy feel the warmth like she can. So she has nothing to feel bitter about when Hellboy jumped back into her open arms whenever she came back to the bureau.

"How are you these days, Joanna?" She asks as she pulls herself to arm's length to fully look at her.

"I've been fine lately. Been traveling from here and there. I-"She was cut off when Hellboy pipes in. "Whaddya mean 'lately'? Have you been sick? Do you need to rest?" He conveys his worries, which surprises her 'cause he usually doesn't give a rat's ass to how she or anybody feels. Sometimes. A broken arm or any other broken appendage, he would worry. Other than that, you don't have to inform them. Except when it comes to Liz. He's really protective of her and cares a whole awful lot about her health. Hell even a freaking toothache! "No! No. I just need to rest for a while, Red. I'll be fine." She smiles reassuringly at him and Abe steps up. "I can escort you to your room, Joanna. It will be an immense pleasure for me to help you. I insist." He added when she was about to refuse his offer, but he already held up one webbed hand for her to take. She sighs softly and takes it.

Abe could feel Hellboy's annoyance as soon he held out his hand for her to take. Rolling off wave after wave of anger at his direction, but he ignores it to fully give his outmost attention to Joanna. When they are deemed far out of earshot, Abe stops and turns his face to her. She could see the demand for answers look when she didn't even need to look at him. She knows that he knows. "You can't tell him, Blue. He doesn't need it." Her voice soft and whispered out, only for him to hear and he hugs her again. This time out of sympathy, even though she doesn't need it. But he gives her that anyway. "I know. But he does have the rights to know. You can't keep him forever. He's starting to look more and more like his father, isn't it?" He pulls her to arm's length and looks at her as she wipes a single, fallen tear. "Yeah, but I don't want to … I don't want to lose my baby, Blue. He's mine."

"And he's his too, Joanna. Someday he'll ask for his father and what will you answer? And who knows maybe he'll come to the conclusion where Red abandons the both of you or maybe he rejected him. If he's more like Red, then you'll know how he'll act when he wants answers. And what I want to know is, why did you come back?" He takes a deep calming breath and she shrugs her shoulders. "He's starting to look like him, Blue. I just want to ask Manning if he could take him in the bureau. Keep him safe when he grows older. I mean I won't live long to see him grow up because he's half demon and he could outlive me. I don't want him to find me not waking up fifty years later, in his teen years! I can't…I just can't do that to him, Blue. I …" She starts to cry and he just holds onto to her. Running his webbed hands up and down her back and pets her hair. When her crying calms down to sobs and whimpers, he walks them to her old room and she sees that not many has changed, in fact there isn't any dust to be found anywhere. Which confuses her and she turns to Abe for answers.

"Red kept nagging at the janitors to keep your room clean. He missed you dearly. He demands them to clean your room at least thrice a month, so it'll look like you've never left." He stops and looks at her, she seems to be smiling slightly and she sniffles a bit. "That's nice of him." She concluded. She turns to address Blue and pats his forearm. "I'll take a lit nap. Wake me when dinner's ready." He nods and she walks slowly into the room. Still looking around in awe when nothing seems out of place.

She climbed into bed and lies down. Not even getting a wink of sleep. Her baby is with her neighbors. They're good people. They couldn't see well, so they thought that little Damon is like any other kid. The move has taken a lot out of him, so he's probably still sleeping right now. It feels so nice to see him again. His hug has really put some of her spirit back into her and she felt that maybe he missed her too. Even just a bit. She loves being in his arms, being small makes her fit into his profile a lot easier. He could carry her around and he wouldn't break a sweat. His big arms always made her feel protected and safe. It's like anything in the world couldn't touch her, but she knows that his arms are always going to belong to someone else. Someone that can understand him a whole lot better than she can. She rolls over onto her side and closes her eyes, suddenly feeling tired now that she thinks about it. She can't stay long anyways. She slowly closes her eyes and takes a light nap.

She woke up to the sound of someone knocking on the door. The sound loud and it pauses before starting a new wave of annoying sounds. She stretches and gets off the bed, she looks to the clock on her wrist and concludes that she only napped for two hours. She needs to get back soon. She walks to the door and she hears someone breathing loudly, like they just ran a marathon. She opened the door to see Hellboy taking in a deep breath before letting it go. She looks up at him and he clears his throat. "Manning wants to see you. If it's something important you know you can tell me, right? I can help." He finishes lamely and Joanna just shakes her head with a light smile.

"You said Manning wants to meet me?" He nods and she steps out from her room. "Ok. I'll see you around, Red." Before she even takes one step away, he grabs hold onto her arm. Not pressing too hard, but just holding on to it. She looks at him questioningly and he swallows a lump past his throat. "L-let me take you there. I mean like escort you or whatever shit like that, that Blue spills." He looks at her with some sort of determination in his eyes and she sighs. "Sure, Red. Why not." He smiles and falls into step beside her. They walk in relative silence, she looks like everything is fine in the world, whereas Hellboy looks like he's going to explode with all the things that's going on in his head. He wants to ask a lot of things that had happened to her these past five years. When he stole a glance at her, he notices that she's sporting a few grey hairs and he feels depressed. Knowing that she's growing old as he stayed the same. Someday she will stop coming completely and he will be left alone all over again. He doesn't want that, but he can't be selfish. Besides, what can he do?

The walk to Manning's office is relatively silent for her, but she can feel the questions in Red's head and can feel him dying to ask a few questions. She's just glad that he wants to keep the silence for a bit. But she knows that she can't avoid the inevitable. She takes a deep breath before breathing out, "How are you, Red?" She startles him out of his reverie and she giggles a bit at how flustered he is. "I'm fine. You know me, I'm a big ol' germ repellent. No virus or bacteria can touch this ass!" He jokes and she cracks a smile for his sake. "I'm serious, Red. How have you been? With the work and all…" She waves her hand around to emphasize. He chuckles for a bit and his tail sways in content. "Yeah, I know. It's been slow lately. Been relaxing and working out more. These muscles don't just form while your butt's on the sofa you know." She giggles and playfully hits his arm. He laughs with her and ruffles her hair. It got shorter, he realizes. He heard her hum in delight and she leans a bit into him.

He lets her and she appreciates it. "It's really nice having you back, Girl Scout." He hums out and she lightly glares at him for the nickname, but she lets it slide. For now. She sighs and they reach the office. "I'll wait out here for you." She was about to protest when he holds up his stone hand and she shut her lips. "I'm sure it won't be long. Besides, I want my Girl Scout to hang out with me again. You kept changing numbers and I didn't have the chance to call you every now and then." He smiles at her and gave her an almost pout that he shows to no one else but the ones closest to him. She gives in and nods. "Alright. I'm pretty sure you're gonna sleep by the time I'm done." She shrugs and he scoffs. "Try me" She walks into the office and he waits outside.

The next time she came out, Hellboy's already fighting back sleep on his position on the floor. She giggles behind her hand and Hellboy stands up faster than she's ever seen him done. "Come on, let's get you to bed."

"No, I want to spend some time with my Girl Scout." He sees her smile a small smile and he grins. Feeling spoiled. "Let's go to the cafeteria, there's always something good there." His mouth waters at the thought of a bacon burger. She scoffs lightly and playfully rolls her eyes, "Yeah, because everyone else in the bureau doesn't eat like you." He shrugs playfully and lowers his head when she taps his forehead lightly with the back of her hand. It's a routine thing they've done, so it just comes naturally. Upon entering the café, she spotted a few of her male and few females ex-co-workers and waves back at them when they wave at her, some even came up to hug her. But only briefly, and she can't tell why. One of her usual ones chatted longer and gave her bear hugs until she felt something thin and strong wrapping itself around her waist. She looks at it to see Red's tail coiled around her possessively and she blushes lightly, her thin fingers tracing the red appendage.

Clay came and gives her a peck on the cheek and she felt Red's tail tightens. But she didn't complain. If this is how he showed that he actually cared for her, even as a friend, she'll take it all in stride. They walked into the kitchen and she watches him attempting to get the food from the busy chefs, one of the younger, only in his early 30s, gave her a sandwich and she accepts it with a light blush. Given his age, he seems to look a bit younger, coffee colored hair and cerulean blue eyes; he's quite the looker, so she couldn't help if she finds him cute. And charming. The next thing she knew, the man was lifted from his collar and was placed to the far side of the room and Hellboy came back to her with a dozen sandwiches on a plate and grabs her by her arm, thus dragging her away.

She was already confused with his sudden possessiveness and now he's dragging her away from any guy two feet near her?! That's just ridiculous! She tries to pry his big hand off her thin wrist but he only tightens his hold until she could feel her hand going numb. She gave a small yelp when she nearly tripled, not catching up with his large strides. He suddenly stops and she bumps into his tense back. She shakes the dizziness out from her head and she looks up behind his head. He seems like he's just standing there with a blank look in his eyes as she walks right up to him. She waves her hand in his face and no response comes out from him. She was puzzled and worried for a second before he starts to gain consciousness back and she sighs a small sigh of relief. He seems to be looking around, puzzled, he sees her in front of him and he just looks even more puzzled.

"What are we doin' out here? I thought we were raiding the kitchen." He points to the direction with a jerk from his head and she looks at him, bewildered. "You didn't remember dragging me off?" He shakes his head and looks at her hand still in his. He lets go with a quick apology and sees purpling bruises on her wrist. She wrings her wrist with her other hand and hisses at the light touch. Hellboy's eyes widen at what he'd done, not 24 hours into the day yet and she already gained an injury! By HIM nonetheless! He unknowingly drops the dozen sandwiches and inspects the injury he inflicted on her. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, J-Joanna. I'm so sorry!" He started to whisper lightly before it got louder and he knelt on the floor. She kept saying how it wasn't his fault and he keeps this blank look.

She couldn't take it as he seems to revert back to his blank state and just hugs him, also kneeling down. She wraps her arms around his neck and buries her face in his shoulder. He seems surprised at first before he starts to relax to her soothing coos and her gentle and steady rhythm of her hand on his back. Sliding it up and down. Easing tense muscles. She felt his arm move and wraps around her petite waist. His tail wrapping around her injured hand and holding it lightly. He sounds like he's making a soft whimpered voice, but she can't tell as she enjoys yet again of being in his embrace. They stayed like that for a while longer before her arms start to get a little cramped. She raised her head to look at his face and sees that he doesn't even want to face her. She stood up and he followed. When she began to walk down the hall to his room, he followed quietly like a lost puppy. Even though he admires cats and kittens more. Go figure.

They reached his room and she wanted to bid him farewell when his tail didn't let go of her wrist. She tried to pull it off, but he kept a strong hold onto it. She walks right back to him and gently pushes him onto bed. Instinctively she drapes the blanket on top of him and just tucks him in. She hesitated when she gave a light peck on his forehead. After that, his tail still hasn't loosen its grip on her. In fact, it drags her closer to Hellboy and with his muscled arms, he lifts her into bed next to him. He covers her with all of his blanket and they just lie there, facing each other.

"Hey." He whispers out.

"Hi." She breathes out.

They didn't feel awkward. They didn't feel forlorn or morose, not when the other is right there. Staring back at you with soft doe eyes and small hands lightly brushing against his big, rough ones. They didn't say anything in the moment. Just basking in each other's warmth and scent. He scans her face for memory and takes in all the detail. She looks older, wiser and softer than when she was younger, her eyes shines differently than before. Like adoration is used more often and determination is rarely used. Her eyes looked like they've seen beauty in the world. Like they never grew tired or dull, even for a second. He looks into her eyes and sees that she just stares at him with adoration that he doesn't deserves. He sighs softly as her eyelids began to fall onto her cheeks and he carefully lies his flesh arm on her waist and just holds her close.

Feeling the close proximity of his body close to her makes her feel … at home. She doesn't want to let go, but she knows this isn't where she's meant to be. These aren't the arms that are meant for her. But she couldn't help herself when she nuzzles into his hard chest and just snuggles close. Her legs intertwine with his as they lie together. He inwardly smiles when she moves closer to him. Hugging her tight and close to him, he realizes. He doesn't want to let her go. He wants this. He's sure of it now. He can't deny this any longer. With Liz letting him go so willingly, though it hurt him when she did, the guilt that he wanted to feel didn't even showed up. Now, he was thankful of it. It made him feel less guilty when he hugs Joanna close. He wants to love her.

She needs to leave. As soon as he sleeps, she'll crawl out and sneak away. If she remembered correctly, he sleeps like the dead. Even a band of annoying playing bagpipers won't wake him from slumber. God can knock on his door and he'll still won't answer it for the sake of preserving his sleep. She couldn't tell if she'll come back in the morning or not. After what Manning's had told her, the boy will be taken in when he turns seventeen. Giving her time to be with him longer and that the child would not suffer the loss of a parent.

 _Flashback_

 _Joanna walks into the familiar office and sees her ex-boss signing a stack of paperwork on his mahogany desk._

 _He looks up when the office doors open and gives her a small smile. "Agent Myers, it's good to see you again. How's it been it?" He starts off casually and she felt like a small weight lifted up her shoulders._

" _I just wanted to ask you a favor, Sir." She cuts to the chase. She sees him sigh a bit and resumes his business mode. "What is it that you want, Agent Myers?"_

" _You know as well as I do that I'm not an agent anymore."_

" _That's not what Hellboy says." He shrugs lightly. "Now, back to business. What do you need, Joanna?" He's eyes serious and hard as he stares at her. "I need you to do me one favor." She confidently spoke up. Manning raise his brow in suspicion at her and his lips thinned. "I want you to take in my son."_

 _Manning's eyebrows rose to his hairline and he's about to protest and yell at her what has gotten into her mind when Joanna holds up one hand to stop him from talking. He does and nods his head for her to continue. She hesitates a little before straightening her back and raise her chin. "My son…is also Hellboy's." She chokes out. She could see the fire of arguments and disbelief in his eyes and before he could utter a single word, she cuts him off by lifting both her hands in a calming notion and she begins her explanation. "I know, I know, it was dumb of me! I knew that, but I still did it. It's just…it couldn't be helped. He was drunk and hurt and I-I…I was only there to comfort him! We had a relationship, albeit a short one, but I never even expected to go that far! We just…" She sighs out, she looks to the floor and runs her hand in her long chestnut brown hair. She hears him sigh and she looks up to see him rubbing his temple. "How old is he? The boy?"_

 _She looks up with hope in her eyes and whispers out, "He's only five. I'm just asking you to give me some time with him. A-at least until he's 17. I-I want to spend some time with him. I'm not eager to lose my son."_

" _You do know that you're purposely dropping him off and just leave him do you?" He questions. Face hard and unreadable._

 _She inhales brokenly and whispers out quietly, "Yes. But he knows that I love him. So much. I'd do anything for my baby." She hugs herself and just hopes that Manning would understand._

" _We'll take him in. Only because I am owing you for your services and that we will train him as best as we can if he's anything like Hellboy. And you will have my word when I say that Hellboy will never find out that the kid is his son." He added before she could and he can see the relief in her eyes and posture as she sighs. Like the weight on her shoulders have been lifted lightly._

 _She looks to the floor, eyes sad and gloomy. "If…he ever asks if Hellboy's his dad then, answer him truthfully. No more lies." She whispers out, only for her former boss to hear._

 _He stares at her with complexion in his eyes as he assesses the situation. His former agent slept with the big red demon just behind those doors. This is the kind of thing that he just can't turn a blind eye on. This is concerning a child of Hellboy that could be the death of him if he ever finds out. She couldn't stay here, she herself knows that. She's not one of them by paper anymore, but she always was by heart and soul. She was the most stubborn, spit-fire of an agent that he ever had in all in his years of working for the supernatural. And he's seen plenty of hard headed boars to last a lifetime. And one particular boar is red and loves cats._

 _He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose as he recognizes the start of a migraine. Another Hellboy running around the facility. Great._

 _End of Flashback_

Her eyes flickered open at the recent memory and she just stares at Hellboy's face before laying her head on his chest. Her heart hurts. Her body tired. Her spirit nearly drained. She stares into the wall as Hellboy's strong beating heart slowly lulls her to a dreamless sleep. It was all she could do for now. Before she leaves in the morning.

End of Chapter One…


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